Don't Settle
This title can represent many situations, however, for the purpose of this blog, I am focusing on people and relationships. Single - not in a relationship, single - in a relationship, or engaged and on your way to getting married.
I heard it said once that, “Women do too much before we are married and not enough after.” I had to reflect on that before I fully understood what the female speaker was sharing with the crowd as she touched upon the sensitive subject of sexual intimacy. “Ouch,” I thought. You could have heard a pin drop in that huge auditorium of hundreds of women (both single and married) as they were pondering the same thing I was. I paused to take a hard look inward because I had experienced several seasons of life - single, then married and then single again through an unexpected divorce.
Why is that statement true in so many cases I wonder? I began to examine both my own life and reflect back to the many conversations with girlfriends. I also recall how after I would speak at women’s events, many would approach me to tell their deepest secrets searching for relief. Countless stories and situations that were shared brought one specific word I frequently heard to mind – loneliness. Many times, I was been told by women they simply entered into a relationship or one-night stand just because they were lonely. Why? Because it was hard to face being alone even when they knew this wasn’t the right man for them. Frankly, they settled. The fear of learning how to appreciate being alone was overpowered by the fear of being in a toxic relationship, or sharing their worth with someone who wasn’t the person God had for them. At the time, we often don’t like to think of future consequences just as long as the void is filled for the moment.
Upon digging deeper into these discussions, I have also found that this feeling can be derived from a lack of self-confidence or poor identity. Do we sometimes think we don’t deserve better so we settle for someone we shouldn’t? Many times, I heard this because so many come from a background of neglect, mistreatment or abuse. Frequently I heard, “I didn’t think I could do better, or I don’t deserve God’s best (including the right mate) because of my past.” Sometimes toxic relationships were modeled in the home when they were a little girl, so they had no concept of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Other comments conveyed were, “why not” or a sense of entitlement. “It’s my body, my life so I can do what I want.” Just as common was, “I have always done the right thing and I want to do something wrong for a change. I am tired of being good and I deserve to have a little fun!” God addresses this by saying in Luke 6:46, “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord’ and do not do what I tell you?” God is saying I wrote you a love letter because I know what best for you and what will actually protect you, however you ignore me at the same time saying you trust me. The truth was the people I knew who felt this way actually seemed the saddest, most detached and most depressed of the other groups of women. They either had difficult consequences they were dealing with, been burned the most by others/situations, or at the end of the day felt emptier than the other women.
I began to study this and came to understand that the people in life who seem to lack “hope” are the ones constantly searching for someone or something to fill that void or hole which God created that only He can fill. I have learned throughout my 50 years on this earth with its many ups and downs that Christ is the only one that has been able to fill that void for me. Not an executive title, a beautiful home, a handsome man, a closet full of nice clothes or a fancy car. I have experienced most of these tangibles however, once you finally acquire them, if your focus isn’t on God, you still feel empty and find yourself wanting more.
A verse that really impacted me when I went from a 22-year relationship and marriage into the unexpected devastation of divorce was Isaiah 54:5 “For your Maker is your husband – the Lord almighty is His name.” I had never considered that Christ was my husband since I found myself single again. The God of all creation and the universe could fill the void I now felt from having a mate by my side? So, if my identity was in Christ, I didn’t need it validated by a man.
Staring in the face of loneliness when my marriage failed, most of my “couple” friends moved on. When my kids were visiting their father, I had to learn how to be alone. I had to learn that dating, eating, binge-watching television, working out or even constantly being on the go couldn’t fill that void. I was face-to-face with re-learning who I really was in Christ and what I wanted in life. Was it all about me or all about being who God wanted me to be?
Let’s take being single - did I want to start praying about all of life’s decisions including the man God wanted me to be with instead of trusting my own faulty judgment? If Christ created me, then He would know the perfect plan He had laid out for me. He says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I never prayed about my spouse when I first entered into our relationship because I thought I knew what was best for my life, but look where it got me. I didn’t really make God the Lord of my life if I didn’t submit all things to Him. If I trust that God knows and wants what is best for me, would I trust His timing and follow his ways about how I should treat being single?
Don’t settle for less than God’s design for your life. Some of the most content people I have met have also experienced life’s ups and downs and have been extremley hurt by others. Their contentment comes because they know who they are as defined by God. These women realize that they will never have to navigate life alone because Christ will never leave their side. God loves you and you are His prized child so treat yourself like one as well!